You have broken up with your ex and badly want them back. It is a common situation to be in for anyone that has been in relationships. But fixing what is broken is easier said than done so how do you get your ex back?
There are no magic words to make them come back to you and it isn’t an easy path to get back to the good part. It will take some honest self-reflection, self-improvement and continued commitment.
If this responsibility doesn’t scare you, you can start taking the first steps towards a refreshed and stronger relationship. Here are our tips for how to get back with your ex.
Step 1: Give Them Space & Take Space
A break-up isn’t easy for anyone. Don’t be fooled by how fast they seem to bounce back on their social media. In most cases, it is just a front. That being said, don’t go stalking them on social media, either.
It is important for both of you to give each other space. Think ‘out of sight, out of mind’. You both need some time to re-establish who you are outside of the relationship.
This gives you both some breathing space. If the relationship ended badly, this zero contact period is even more important. You both need time to cool down before things are said that you can’t take back.
Step 2: Be Honest with Yourself
Now that you no longer have someone else’s voice in your head, it is time to listen to your own. Your honest self, though!
In a relationship, we often play the blame game, especially when it is part of a power struggle. If you want to get back with your ex without falling into the same traps, it is essential that you honestly reflect on what went wrong. This may require some critical thinking about your own behavior.
The truth is that it takes two to tango. Even when it was one person that made a big mistake, the other isn’t innocent, either. Boyfriends and girlfriends trigger certain behavior in each other and you have to understand what those triggers are before getting back together.
Step 3: Don’t Expect Them to Change
One of the biggest mistakes people make in a relationship is trying to change the other person. Or even worse, expect people to change without having an honest and clear conversation about it. Most of our behavior comes natural to us and often we are unaware of how it affects those around us.
Habits are hard to change so you have to ask yourself whether their behavior is a deal breaker or not. If it is a deal breaker, then the sad truth is that the relationship will likely fall back into the same patterns.
The healthier approach is not letting it get to you. If you decide that it isn’t a deal breaker then you have to find a way to deal with it. What can you do to not let certain personality traits bother you anymore?
Step 4: Fix Your Own Flaws
We just said that people don’t change but that doesn’t mean there is no hope for self-improvement, either. In fact, being in a relationship is one of the best ways to become a better version of yourself because you are doing it out of love.
If you know that you have certain quirks or behaviors that bother your partner, the break-up is a chance to work on them. Again, it is difficult to change innate behavior but you can teach yourself certain tricks.
Also, not all behaviors need to end. Relationships are also about compromise. Think about how you can still do the things that make you feel comfortable but in a way that doesn’t hurt or annoy your partner.
Step 5: Approach Them Slowly
Since you have already gone through a very intimate relationship, it can feel natural to immediately rush back in. This is a mistake, though. Remember that the second-time around is about avoiding the mistakes of the first time.
After doing the work on yourself, start approaching your ex slowly. Don’t bombard them with texts, don’t go commenting on all of their posts. Find a good reason to contact them.
For example, let them know their favorite artist is performing a show nearby. This shows that they have been on your mind and that you have fond memories of them. Don’t push to meet up right away – let it simmer that you still care about them.
Step 6: Show that You Are in a Better Place
Your ex needs to know that you have worked on yourself and that you are not in the same place as when you broke up. They need to hear this but they also need to see this.
This may seem archaic, but writing a handwritten letter holds much more emotion than a text or e-mail. It is also a safer way to get then conversation started than speaking them personally. The in-person conversation is the second step.
Write down that you have reflected on your relationship, on both the good and the bad, and that you have put in the effort to not make the same mistakes. Tell them how much you miss them and how important they are to you. End the letter by saying that you will give them some time to think it over but that you would really like to meet them in person to hear their side of the story.
Step 7: Really Listen to Them
Once they have agreed to meet you again, the hard part begins. It is one thing to think back on your relationship on your own. It is a completely different experience to hear their viewpoint on it.
During this conversation, it is important that you give them the space to talk and express their emotion. Truly listen to what they are saying to you by putting yourself in their shoes. Even if they let their emotions get the better of them, let them do so.
Remember that they may not have been doing the work like you have so they may need more time to process it all. Prepare yourself for a very emotional conversation. Also prepare yourself to not hear what you want to hear – don’t go in with Hollywood movie expectations.
Step 8: Respect Their Wishes
After your initial conversation, your ex may need more time. Give it to them. This is part of you showing them that you have become a better person.
Think about what they have told you and what they want. Try to find a compromise between your own desires and theirs. That is how you move forward instead of taking several steps back.
You also have to accept that they may not want to get back together. Perhaps they realized that your relationship is no longer a good place for them to be. If you truly love them, and want the smallest chance of getting back together in the future, you respect this and let them go.
Step 9: Start Slowly
If you and your ex are on the same page, you are in luck. This is your opportunity to recover your love for each other. But this doesn’t mean rushing into it.
It can be overwhelming to start right where you left off. After all, something went wrong along the way. It is better to start slower and build up to a more committed relationship.
Think of it as a second chance to date again. It is also an opportunity to feel those butterflies that you had when you first started dating. It is a special feeling that many people in long-term relationships miss.
Step 10: Never Stop Putting In the Effort
The relationships that last are the relationships with trust and commitment. It is about trusting that the other person will do what it takes to fulfill their commitment and won’t stop working on the relationship.
There is no perfect relationship. What makes the difference is knowing that you can trust the other person values the relationship and wants it to work, no matter what. That is what you need to show your partner.
Don’t stop doing the work as soon as you are back together. Keep communicating, keep seducing each other, keep showing your partner that you are in it for the long haul.
Sometimes, it takes a breakup to realize how connected you are to another person. It can be a very sobering experience. If you have reached this point and want to return to your good place, the above steps can help you get there.
If you want to learn how to get your ex back in-depth, you can check out our review of The Ex Factor Guide here!